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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

NEVER take your cell phone to a men's room

I paid severely for this grave mistake today.

Let me elaborate.
My workplace changed a couple of weeks ago, and the new one is like a little over an hour away from my apartment. Which means, I have to get up an hour or so earlier than I was used to in the last few months. That in itself is a topic for a post of it's own rights where I can use all the four letter words in the dictionary and few more which I made to be used in times of need. So getting back to the point, despite three alarms, each of which five minutes apart, I woke up late.

You need to make quick decisions in a crisis like this. And I'm good at that. Even if I say it, still it's true. Ask anyone who knows me. So, take a piss, yes. Brush your teeth, yes. Shower, no. It's too cold out there anyway so you are likely to sweat here as much as it is likely to snow there in Colombo. A poo? Well I can hold on for a couple of hours.

So the decisions were made, actions were taken and I was in front of my screen in time.

After a hasty breakfast - hot cakes and coffee from McDonalds. Have you tasted it? Really good, trust me - you feel the need, err, to let go of the 'load'. Off I went to the men's room, and picked my favorite corner toilet. Oh I like that one so much. You can find complete solitary in it, without a care in the world and go on about your business. There was a Jap in the adjacent one - hey, I didn't peek into it you dirty bastards if that's what you thought. There are only two of us Sri Lankans work here and the other guy was in his seat, so it had to be a Jap - but who cares really? As far as I'm aware, there is no way to distinguish the nationality of someone merely by the sound of a fart, so I was happily doing it (farting I mean, not distinguishing them) while basking in my solitary glory. Well maybe RD is researching on that at the moment, "how to tell the nationality of a person by the sound of farts", something like that. You know it's his kind of thing, but until he publish his papers, and somebody translate them into Japanese, I was safe. Or so I thought.

Then the disaster struck.

My phone rang.
Here I was faced with a serious problem needing a quick solution, a correct solution, or risk facing an embarrassment that would last for the rest of my time here. Yes I told you I was good at making quick decisions and all, but we mortals do have limits don't we. Answering the phone means revealing your identity - whatever language I speak.
Sinhala - a dead end.
English - not many Japs speak it much anyway, and even when they do you could tell the difference within a couple of nanoseconds. Maybe even less.
Japanese - still a dead end. I pretty much suck at it so again the difference is obvious.

You might say, "What's the big deal Sach, you could have turned it off and called back later."

Well, I would have if this was anything but what it was. You might know that I'll be going back home for a small vacation in a couple of weeks. I had already reserved a seat in the flight to Colombo, but because of an uncertainty about the length of the stay, hadn't reserved a seat in the return flight so far. Finally got the matter resolved, leaves approved and reserved it a couple of days ago. Then, unfortunately - or rather fortunately as it lengthened my stay in Sri Lanka by another couple of days - had to change it again. Thus I called the airline guys and inquired whether I could change it again. They said they'll look into it but don't get my hopes up because the flight that I want now might already be full as this is one of the busiest seasons of the year. But I already had gotten my hopes up with the prospect of two more days in SL.

Anyway, it was them that was calling and I was not going to miss it for the love of my life. Who knows, maybe during the five minutes I'd take to call back the only seat that was remaining - just an assumption - might have been taken. Or the chick at the reservation counter might have had a really bad last night with her hubby/boyfriend/stranger or whoever else you want to substitute there, and could decide to take it on me. You never know with these girls.

So I decided to take no chance. Even at the prospect of total embarrassment. I'm a brave man you know.

It turned out that either no one had wanted the only seat or the chick had had a pleasurable night, so she broke me the glorious news that a seat was available.

At least that was something. Otherwise all this would have been for nothing.



  1. Ha ha ha... this reminds me of a guy I used to work with. You see, this guy continuously mumbled to himself, *all* the time. His voice was quite distinguishable, so whenever he was in the toilet stall, it was immediately obvious to everyone. He even used to sleep there sometimes...

    By the way, if you are going to make a habit of this, you'll find this useful:

    From now on, whenever I call a cell phone, I'll always wonder what the other party is doing while talking to me...

  2. Thanks Milla!

    Anon, poor guy... LOL
    And hey, I'm not making a habit of it LOL it's just every now and then you like to be 'free' don't you?
    Thanks mate!

  3. mobile phones, toilets, dumps - are you shane warne in disguise ?