Dear God...

Since it's that time of the year where we get to ask for what we want, and that you send them with that fat bloke who wears the same thing every year, I thought I might as well put in my wish list. First things first, please buy that dude a new suit or something - red and white is a bit, I don't know, overused perhaps, I guess. Just give him somethings else, make it blue and gold with a baseball cap (oh it's snowing, OK let him keep the snow cap then) and he'd look good. What does he wear rest of the year anyway? And give him some fancy sorta car or something. Come on, this is the digital age and all, don't make him ride that cart thing.

OK I think, scratch that, I was a good boy past year. See, I quit smoking, I've helped people, was less of an asshole compared to what I was before, had less fights with people, stopped whining - online or otherwise - and started being nice to people as much as I can. You've got to agree that's a lot. Specially coming from me. So I can send you the list right? OK here goes:

• I know this sounds stupid, but can you please make the winter, umm.... warm? I mean, I hate this cold weather. And that makes electricity and gas bills rocket sky high.

• Speaking of which, I wouldn't mind an increment either. Of salary I mean, not the bills.

• And please make my boss think that we deserve extra 10 paid leaves a year. 10 is not much right?

• Make all the Japs speak English.

• Visas are a bitch. Get rid of them. Make it so that we can go anywhere without them. OK I know some people, many islanders included, have a tendency to not return, but still. I promise I will.

• Make Sri Lankan food available here. Believe it or not, it's been a year since I had string hoppers. Or egg hoppers. Or pittu. Kadey Paan. EGB. Sri Lankan Chinese Rise, kottu, egg rotti, rotti. You get the point right?

• I love coffee. Let me have loads. Preferably Starbucks.

There's a lot more, but this'll do for the time being. See, I don't even like to ask you much, so I guess you'll let me have my couple of wants, won't you? Being such a nice and humble fellow I'm sure you're not gonna say no to my small request. Right?

Thank you so much.
Yours,
Sach - The Good Boy.

P.S.
While you're at it, if this is not too much to ask, can you also make earth flat? I've come to really hate this sphere-shaped one.
Thank you again.

God's Prank on Me!

I was on my way to work this morning, just like any other weekday. Except for one thing, it was a perfectly normal morning in winter. Cold, rainy, gloomy and predictably I was sleepy. Only difference was, I was not late today. That's a big difference, believe me, and I very nearly paid the price for this mistake today. I promise you people, I will never be early to work again. Never.

So, this is what happened.

My workplace is very near to Tokyo and I take a train from Shinjuku every morning. This Shinjuku is the busiest train station in the world, so, obviously it is very crowded everyday. Since I was not late today, I was casually walking down the platform towards the last cabin of the train. If it was a normal day for me I would have been running and would have gotten in the cabin nearest to me, but oh lord, I was not late. Why I was walking towards the last cabin, because usually it is a bit less crowded, probably for the exact reason why I wouldn't have gotten in it on a normal day.

So I got in, settled into a corner - however less crowded they are, you would rarely find a seat - and the train started moving. Then the things started to become interesting. The lady next to me was giving me a very odd and disgusted look. But then again it is not really a rare thing, for in their eyes we are in fact a rare breed. So I just turned away a bit, but strangely the lady next to her too was having the same expression. Now it was my time to get pissed off. "OK your highness, maybe I am not as white (or is it yellow?) as you are, but at least I do have normal eyes". I returned the same look, maybe adding a bit more flavor, and turned to the screen.

Oh yeah, there are electronic screens inside most of the trains here, which displays many information and commercials. The screen changes from time to time, displaying things like the next station, the train route, time and commercials in between. So it was doing this, but then suddenly the screen turned all bright pink, flowers started to fly over it - well not really over it, but on screen you know - and some words flashed in beautifully curved italic letters:

* * * Women Only * * *

Excellent, was my first thought, but that was not before I went dumbstruck for a moment. Carefully, I looked around again. Jeez, the person next to the two ladies was also a she. And the next one. And the next one, and everyone else too. To make things worse, they were all looking at me, wearing all kinds of different expressions. If you were a good photographer, this was your once chance of becoming world famous, because there were so many priceless photo opportunities though I highly doubt you would have stood a chance taking a photograph inside that cabin unless you were a woman. Then again, if you were, there would not have been any photo opportunities, so it's a no-go situation anyway. Besides, I didn't have a camera, instead I had other matters to worry about. Very pressing matters.

I started to sweat, honestly, even thought it was freaking cold outside. And that followed by a train of crazy thoughts without giving me a break. Some of which, that I can remember now went like this.

"Oh my god, what am I gonna do. Jeez, will they complain? I mean, in the next station will they call the authorities? Hold on idiot, anyone can see it's a mistake - all they got to do is just take a look at your face. Not a chance son, you're not a Jap, for god's sake. You'll surely be caught your pants down. Pants down? OK not really, but you are in trouble baby. But it was a mistake. Oh smartypants, try telling that to them. Yeah fair point, besides with my Japanese knowledge, it would be next to impossible to explain myself. Put the jokes aside idiot, what if they really complain or something? Imagine, if they contact your company people? What a shame! And imagine if your campus friends got to know! (I got a bunch of great uni friends, who would certainly sympathise with me for my mistake) Ha, that takes the cake!"

On top of that, I was listening to my iPod, and the goddamn thing was playing No Woman No Cry!

So I did the only sensible thing a man would do in a critical situation like this. I just looked down and started observing the very interesting floor tile design, until we arrived at the next station. And when it did reach the next station, I got out of the cabin at a speed which would put Usain Bolt into shame, and got into another one which was as far away from that cabin as possible. This time, of course making sure that it didn't flash pink messages with flowers.

Honestly, I never knew that there were such cabins in trains here in Japan. But it seems that I still have a lot to learn, and I learned that the hard way. The irony of it is, only last night I was complaining to one of my best friends about not having any interesting things happening to me lately to blog about. Who knows maybe the God was in fact listening to our conversation and thought, "Huh, so you want interesting things happened to you? Fine, I'll make things interesting"

So he - umm, come to think of it, God might as well be a she. In fact, God must be a she. Think it through guys, however evil God could get, he (if God is a he) wouldn't play such a prank on a guy. I mean let's face it. Being guys, we know how dangerous it could be to be isolated in a cabin full of chicks. Jeez... it still gives me the shivers. So yes, God IS a she! And boy, didn't she make my day dangerously interesting!